My Self-Acceptance Journey - How workplace belonging served as a vital piece
I have never considered myself a confident person. Sure, I am able to ‘fake it till I make it’ and turn up the false bravado during social events, especially one-time events where I felt more free to be myself. But in any long-term and ongoing social occurrence, I found that my confidence would waver after a short while and I would be left relegated into a purgatory of self-doubt. Self-acceptance came in fleeting moments as I juggled different tools and methods in effort to keep up with what felt like everyone else in the room, while I strived to comprehend what made me so different.
Now, I have not always felt this way. Looking back, I was a very social and outgoing child - I used to actually enjoy connecting with new faces and felt secure for hours or days among the company of peers or friends. So what happened? Today, I have only come to understand that this shift happened gradually as a lifetime of subtleties about my abilities chipped away at my confidence. I did not earn good grades in school, and I had an academically strong sibling which made me believe, in my kid logic, that I was not smart. I was ethnically different from the rest of the kids at school and did not see anyone who looked like me in our history books, on TV, or even among staff at my school. I realize now that I had developed a subconscious belief that I was inherently not acceptable or good enough.
To be fair, I did have many positive experiences in school. I had a few amazing teachers who wanted to hear what I had to say and college professors who encouraged my voice — but it was an uphill battle. These were small victories of self-acceptance and feeling represented and heard in a landscape of years of self-consciousness.
When self-doubt meets workplace belonging
Once I entered the workforce, I could see so frustratingly clear that my lack of confidence became a barrier against my growth in the workplace. I did great in interviews because I could hype myself up fairly easily, overprepare, and turn on my inner people-pleaser. But once I got the job, my default settings would take the wheel and I was back to my anxious, self-doubting self. All of a sudden, I was faced with a self-doubting inner monologue that would run rampant in my mind during meetings that I, later understood, was so deserving of being a part of. Instead of the personal hype-woman who showed up during the interview, I was left stranded with a doubting voice, continuously challenging my belonging in the workplace:
“I’m new so I shouldn’t give too many options just yet. I want to make sure I’m saying the right thing…”
“Ugh, there are so many smart people in this meeting… Why couldn’t I make a comment like that?”
“Oh, I just thought of the perfect comment! Oh wait, we’ve already moved on to the next subject. I had such a well-crafted statement, I should’ve just said it.”
“Wait, what are we discussing now? Damnit, I’m totally lost. Re-focus Mona! Meetings over?”
“Fuck, I didn’t even say anything. Now everyone thinks I’m a dumbass. Why couldn’t I just say something? Do I even have anything to contribute?”
How workplace inclusion and belonging led to personal transformation
For what felt like my entire career, these thoughts rarely subsided. Even though my work was strong, I could not seem to get out of my own way— especially within group meetings. I was constantly monitoring myself, fixating on whether I was acting “right” at every moment and spiraling into entire days of self-flagellation. It was not until I was 34 that I felt my most confident at work… 34! That’s slightly embarrassing, but also a relief to say out loud. So how did this shift happen? Very simply: I knew my team was confident in me because it was reflected in their words and behaviors.
The first time I noticed this change was during one of my very first projects while contributing to a shared Google Doc. I made a comment and found that my exact words made it in the final draft of the report. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “they must trust me and value what I have to say.” Then in meetings, my team would introduce me to others by using words like “brilliant” and welcome me in an exciting way that did not feel hokey or disingenuous. They listened when I spoke and made it clear that they valued my perspective. And then the shift happened. I started sharing more in meetings and speaking up if something did not sound right. I realized I was bringing my full and honest self to work. Like a seed that remained dormant in the winter only to grow with a little bit of warmth and encouragement, my employer’s confidence in me was the spark that blossomed my inner confidence, my sense of belonging in the workplace, and my radical self-acceptance.
Now, as an advisor at The Rise Journey and facilitator of various Lunch & Learn sessions, I have an even clearer understanding of what was happening during this deeply personal transformation. I now lead a training called Cultivating Workplace Belonging where the research and insights I continue to gather make it clear that creating an actively welcoming environment at work is key to employee motivation, performance, and pride — and even more so for historically underrepresented folks. The absence of a welcoming workplace environment can be misinterpreted as exclusionary or even rejecting. As a therapist, I know this to be true, especially for folks who experience anxiety. In the absence of information, our anxious minds like to fill in the gaps of understanding with assumptions that are likely untrue or over exaggerated. Without hearing that I am a valued member of the team, it left my anxious mind to wonder: Do they trust me? Am I doing a good job? Do they think I am capable?
Hearing clear and direct reassurance about my value was exactly what I needed to do my job with minimal intruding thoughts that doubted my sense of belonging or capabilities.
Embracing radical self-acceptance
After developing the Tools to Combat Microaggressions & Stereotype Threat training, I learned about a psycho-social phenomenon called “Stereotype Threat” which also rang true for my workplace experience. The theory explains that if someone fears saying or doing something that risks falling into a stereotype (for me, the stereotype is being viewed as an incompetent woman), the person is likely to over monitor their performance to ensure that they do not fall into their feared stereotype. However, this self-monitoring actually reduces one’s ability to perform! The energy exerted on hyper-fixing or monitoring self-behaviors uses up finite cognitive resources which impacts our ability to perform. I became a walking, talking self-fulfilling prophecy. My fear of looking less capable than my coworkers made me act as though I was actually less capable.
Using this knowledge, I built self-awareness and thus began practicing my radical self-acceptance. In order to evolve into the most powerful version of my professional self, I had to fearlessly affirm myself and my abilities. Internally destigmatizing who I am allowed me to recognize what makes me stand apart, embrace these variations in myself and celebrate how they allow me to achieve and contribute to my work in an individualistic way. In my radical self-acceptance journey, I have found internal acceptance and belonging in the workplace.
Actions you can take today
I encourage everyone to identify their own workplace fears that may be self-limiting. This can be done with therapy, journaling, or giving yourself the space and patience to self-reflect in moments when you feel thrown off. With awareness, you can have a better handle on stopping your thoughts, providing alternative positive assumptions, and asking for reassurance. It also helps to identify your strengths and remember that intelligence is a learned quality. All humans are innately valuable.
If you are managing someone who is hesitant or does not speak up in meetings, I encourage you to think about the environment you have a hand in creating. Does everyone on your team know you value them? Do you share this with them regularly? Do people take turns in meetings sharing their opinion? Invite the quiet employees in, express your gratitude, and facilitate the meeting space so you hear from everyone as equally as possible.
